Written by: Noah Hellen

Trip attendees:

• Felicia Lim
• Mona Xia
• Nathan Petrou
• Sebastian Jadoenathmisier
• Miguel Murcia Fernandez
• Jeremy Ghinn
• Stelios Kotsovolis
• Jesslin Ho
• James Pullen
• Sofia Srdanovic
• Amelia Oberholzer
• Simon Daubner
• Milena Micic
• Eugene Bevilacqua
• Zheran Zhang
• Amy McIntosh
• Logan Mackay
• Yvette Yu
• Ishita Sharma
• Noah Hellen
• Matthew Shields

Day 0

The first postgrad trip of the year started in the early hours of the evening when Matthew Shields gathered the keys and minibus from the Union. Some may call him the antithesis of Batman (I mean, like, flip ‘need’ and ‘deserve’ in the famous quote and boom, not like hes the opposite of batman), being ‘The hero we need, but not the hero we deserve’ as he packed the minibus with the gear for the weekend. He and the troops headed over to Tesco to begin the shop for the weekend.

Nearby was Jesslin Ho, driving a Zipcar (RIP Zipcar 🙁) for us – she had not driven in years, and this was her first time driving on the left-hand side of the road. Her confidence in her ability was convincing, so we sent the expendable members (e.g. Mona) in the car just in case.

On the opposite side of London, and nearly an hour late, was Noah Hellen, who had rented a 7-seater that had a suspicious smell of the devil’s lettuce in it. He claimed that he was late because a gang had ‘pressed’ him on the road. It turns out they were just warning him that his tail lights were not on…

All the vehicles and members had congregated at the Tesco Superstore in Earl’s Court and, once everything was packed, continued on their way towards Wye Valley.

Matthew, despite being in the slower minibus, had somehow steamed ahead and had been and gone from the service station before Noah and Jesslin had arrived.

Jesslin, a new member of ICMC, had recently been made aware that drivers for trips get certain benefits – one being that they get free dinners to and from trips. Making use of the saying, ‘given an inch, take a mile’, I can say she took many many miles because when Noah had arrived, she was stuffed full with an entire family bucket of KFC. Welp, she hadn’t crashed the car, so all was good in the hood. She also shared the remainder of the food with Noah’s car – ah, we love embezzling money from ICMC don’t we.

We all arrived at the village hall unscathed. We chatted and hung out, then quickly drifted off to bed.

Day 1

In the early hours of the morning, we arose like strangers in the night – I don’t care if that’s the right saying, whatever. Myself (Noah, the guy writing this), Matthew, and Jeremy had prepared overnight oats the night before for the climbers, which was warmly received.

We were all also introduced to the previous postgrad sec, Amy McIntosh’s, famous Biscoff coffee. As I understand it, she waits until a Biscoff jar has been almost completely used up with only the hard-to-reach remnants left over. Then, she pours her coffee in the jar, gives it a shake, and voila!!

Anyway, enough jibber-jabber, let’s move onto the climbing.

I (Noah, the guy writing this) had secluded myself away in a backroom in the village hall for the day – mainly because everyone was annoying me, also I had an assignment to do, but the first reason is the main one. So, my telling of the day’s events is only from the stories I was told.

Amy McIntosh had graciously taken the wheel of the marijuana-smelling 7-seater after (kind of) never vowing to drive for ICMC again – she had done a loooooooot of driving and whatnot for the club so wanted a nice trip with no responsibilities. That didn’t last long, did it?

Anyway, they made their way to the crag for the day (Wintour’s Leap or Ban-y-gor maybe?) but Mrs Meanie, Nature, decided that it was going to rain all day. So, they decided to split ways and do some things other than outdoor climbing.

Some had decided to visit an indoor climbing centre in Bristol for the day. It looked fun. See some pics below.

Others had decided to go on a lil hike outdoors. Mr Stelios Kotsovolis was the belle of the ball, entertaining everyone while they hiked through mud and wet. There is a funny picture of him but I can’t find it #sadface.

They returned to the village hall at around 6 or 7pm and Jeremy Ghinn (The Spaghetti man, the penne predator, The Bolognese bandit, CHEF) started work on his famous Bolognese recipe. It was very dictatorial his style of cheffing, I felt bad (not really) for his sous-chefs, but god damn can he make a good Bolognese.

Before this, and during, I had been scheming. You see, it was Halloween weekend. I had asked everyone to bring a costume for a surprise game. Some decided they were too cool for school and didn’t want to bring one. After a threat of sleeping in the minibus if they didn’t find a costume by 7pm, everyone was in the Halloween spirit. While they were away climbing, I had been plotting and scheming the ‘Squid Games’ night…

After dinner, the ominous theme song of Squid Games rang throughout the village hall. The games had begun. Everyone got in their costumes and paired up in teams.

FIRST GAME: A little boy from Mathern has stolen a chocolate bar and hidden it somewhere in the village. You and your partner must find this chocolate bar and stay next to it.

Each pair was let out to find the chocolate bar based on how good their costume was. After the last pair was let go, I can safely say that it was pandemonium. I heard crying, screaming, running. I think we actually lost someone, and haven’t found them to this day, but they were all so focused that we forgot about it. The image of Miss Amelia im-too-kind-and-i-love-everyone Oberholzer frantically taking her boots off in the hall, wild eyes scanning like a wolf, will never escape my memory.

Eventually, they all found the chocolate bar. And the last two pairs were eliminated.

SECOND GAME: You must cross the village hall with your partner with only three chairs, then coil a very fucked up rope and tie a double fisherman’s knot.

This was very fun to watch. For some, it was their first double fisherman’s. I was helped by the Spaghetti man and James Pullen, an ex-ICMCer who is now doing a PhD in Manchester, to fuck up some ropes. They were good at the craft.

The best moment in this Squid Game was when Amy McIntosh and her partner-in-crime Sofia Srdanovic, two veterans of the club, and who are sleep-deprived fourth and third year PhD students respectively, spent nearly 10 minutes coiling the rope. I could see the defeat in their eyes, and felt a morsel of compassion. But, such is the Squid Games. Two more pairs eliminated.

THIRD GAME: One partner is blindfolded. The other partner must direct them through a mission impossible-esque rope maze.

This was another very fun one to watch. Some pairs had failed very very briskly (cough cough Amelia Oberholzer and Stelios Kotsovolis) while some made it through the entire maze. I honestly don’t know how, but they sure did it.

Before their turn, I was whispered over by Nathan Petrou, who proposed a devious plan for him and his partner Matthew Shields. You see, they are bigger boys, who would have found it difficult to make it through the tight maze. So, Nathan asked if it was within the rules for him to drag a prone Matthew through the maze on a sleeping mat. I said it was ok. And by gosh they did it.

Two more pairs eliminated.

FOURTH GAME: There is a two of hearts hidden in this very room. Find it. The pair that finds it proceeds to the final game. I had somewhat run out of ideas in my planning stage for this game, so it was seemingly not as interesting as the others. Also, since we are Imperial students, and so are very very smart, I thought it would take no time at all. Fast forward 5 minutes and they still couldn’t find the card even after like 5 hints. But lo and behold the ‘cheaters’ – this is what Stelios called them, kind of not really, after he failed about 5cm into the maze game – found the card and proceeded to the final game.

FINAL GAME: Split or Steal.

The culmination of all games led to this moment. Oh yeh, I forgot to mention that there were prizes up for grabs – a sling and an HMS carabiner. They stared off against each other like a Western. Nathan chose the bargaining route. He pleaded with Matthew to split. Matthew was having none of it. He said he has already chosen and no matter what Nathan says he won’t change his mind. Nathan was stuck between a rock and a hard place. All the remaining climbers (except Amy and Sofia who went swiftly to bed after their embarrassing rope skills) watched in awe. What would happen? Would Matthew, a member of the committee, steal from a hapless new member?

They reveal their cards. Nathan has said split. Matthew’s card reads ‘S…’. It could be anything… IT SAYS SPLIT!!! Glory be to god (I’m not religious). They shook hands, we all rejoiced. We all went to bed happy and content with the results of the Squid Games.

Day 2

We woke up early again. Matthew and I played some loud songs. People woke up.

We had breakfast again. Nothing too fancy.

We got in the cars. It was good weather outside. We drove off feeling excited for the day. Would we climb today?? For some, it would be their first time climbing outdoors.

We drove to Wintour’s Leap full of hope. Amy, our resident expert, got out the car and led a group to the crag. We knew it was good weather now, but the rock could still be wet. Matthew and I were feeling lazy so waited by the cars. We waited with bated breath on the news from Amy.

Soon, the party arrived back at the cars. What had happened? Was it good news? Amy shook her head. No. We must find somewhere else. Were we to climb indoors again?

We had one ace up our sleeves. Supposedly, Wyndcliff quarry has good climbing that is less affected by the rain. We drove over to the crag, hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

I stayed in the minibus while they went to the crag, again cus they were being annoying and also I had an assignment. Would they return? Would I finally get peace and quiet? 5 minutes go by and nothing. 15 minutes go by. How long is it to the crag? Is it ok? 1 hour goes by and I know in my heart they are climbing.

I’m sure they had a nice time. Here are some pictures. Amy ate some of Spaghetti man’s Bolognese out of a bag for some reason. It must have been that good.

They arrived back when the sun had set. Well, at least Matthew had. We got our cars, picked everyone up, and started our journey back to London. Sofia had left her shoes (or something?) at the Bristol climbing centre so we drove down there to pick it up. Once again we were late.

The minibus and Jesslin’s car had made it to the service station and we were still a ways away. However, I remembered a little tidbit from my dad helping me to drive. You can always go 10% over the speed limit. On the motorway, this means you can go 77mph! I raced down the motorway, seeing the ETA drop minute by minute. We would make it.

We arrived there, ordered food, and sat down. Before everyone departed, we did the traditional ‘three stars and a wish’ which was very wholesome.

We went home, the hero Matthew sorted the gear at Imperial, and we all lived happily ever after.